Feeling Alone? It's not just you.
I think one of the most challenging parts of being an adult, especially in the world we live in today is making friends. We’re more disconnected than ever before, and we’re starting to really feel it.
Most people feel alone, and because we also tend to be a bit myopic we don’t realize, or forget, that everyone else feels alone too. Very few people feel like they fit in or have a deep sense of place and belonging, and we have this overriding ego driven urge to believe we’re the only one with these feelings.
And then you think because it’s difficult to make friends that you’re the problem, that you must be the only one who’s having a hard time. And the truth is, often YOU ARE the problem. But not for the reasons you think.
Most people are looking for companionship. Most people are in desperate need of an inner circle or a squad. Everyone wants to feel appreciated, heard and valued. So where is the disconnect and what can you do about it?
I think we fumble in assuming that other people don’t have this problem so it should be easy for them to make the first move. To try first. The real problem is that you’re waiting. You’re waiting for someone else to do it. But is waiting for that person serving you? Are you getting what you need waiting for someone to be your friend? If you’re waiting, so are they.
I know that I’ve found myself waiting.
We’re waiting for someone to knock on our door, and tell us they’ve been looking everywhere for us.
But this waiting and expectation of mystery friend showing up happens in all facets of our lives. In dating. In finding a job you’re excited about. In starting a business. In sales. In marketing. In friendships. In moving to a new place. In living a life you love. Every surface requires that we show up.
Are you being the friend you need? Are you showing up in the world in the way you need someone to show up for you? It’s kind of a gut check.
I’ve put together a list of 5 action items complimented with some of my most trusted essential oils to help propel you on your friend seeking mission. Therapeutic grade essential oils do a lot more than smell nice. They have powerful emotional healing properties and can be used to lean on when you’re doing hard things or working through some of your fears around loneliness and putting yourself out there. These are especially helpful when you’re feeling anxious or just need a little confidence.
Apply essential oils to the soft part of your forearms, the back of your neck and also your solar plexus (your third chakra/ diaphragm/ spot between your belly button and your ribs). This is your power center and where you confidence resides. Use oils that are supportive, strengthening and confidence boosting before doing something challenging or scary.
1. Leave your house.
This might seem really simple, but you’ll be hard pressed to find your tribe (a local one any way) the kind you can grab dinner with or see a movie with if, or just drop by for a quick conversation if you don’t leave your house. Remember, you aren’t waiting for someone to knock on your door, you’re actively searching for your people.
I know this can feel daunting, especially when you’re working all day. Or you work from home. Or you’re a housecat.
Find ways to take breaks or make time to connect in the actual world. Online friends and community are amazing and so important now. But they typically can’t go with you to a movie or grab lunch with you when you need to talk through some ideas, or give you a hug when it’s a tough day week or year.
I lived alone and worked from home in SLC for years. It felt really hard to make friends or find my people because I was working by myself all day every day. But 2-3 times a week I would walk to my local Whole Foods to have lunch/get out of the house, and I made a really good friend just from being at the grocery store a lot. Her name tag said she was from Texas which was something that was important to both of us and we became friends, and then I introduced her to my sisters and they all became friends, and then we invited her to every party or event we had. She became such a lovely part of our lives, all because I left my house and she was from Texas too.
For stepping out (of the house), I recommend Motivate, the Encouraging blend. It’s a mix of citrus and mints, and it will so lovingly kick you out the door with a gentle surge of confidence. I personally like the touch roller so I can keep it with me, and reapply. Place on your elbow creases and you the back of your neck. Rub it in, and cup your hands over your nose and inhale deeply. Another good choice is Balance, the grounding blend. It’ll help you connect to your body and put your feet on the ground.
2. Figuring out what you’re looking for.
What are you looking for? What do you want? A friend? 3 friends? A new place to hang out where everyone knows your name?
This can be challenging to get crystal clear about what it is that you want. But you’ve gotta start somewhere.
What do you like? Where would you want to be in your free time (besides home)? Do you want to learn a new skill? Is there something you’ve always wanted to do? Or place you’ve always wanted to go? Have you always wanted to volunteer?
Try going to those places. Try a workout class for something that’s interesting or fun to you. Join a meet up group. Learn to knit. Go to a Stitch ‘n Bitch night. Attend a workshop at a store you think is cool. Volunteer at a food pantry or a farm. Ask questions, get some answers.
Odds are, people who are looking for the same things as you are often at the same skill level as you, or just have decided to start trying and will be in these places looking for something similar.
Everyone was a beginner.
The clearer you are about what you’re looking for the easier it is to go after it.
Clarity can be challenging. Using a combination of Clary Sage, Wild Orange, Frankincense and Copaiba will assist you in being able to clear some space mentally and emotionally to get to the bottom of your feelings. When you take some time to search your feelings, introduce these oils by diffusing them, or making a roller you can roll over your heart and your forearms.
Combine 5-10 drops of each in a 10ml roller, and fill the rest with fractionated coconut oil.
3. Being Open
If you’re trying something new, or putting yourself out there in a way that’s new and most likely uncomfortable, being open can feel like a death wish.
As a teacher of beginners for a decade, I want you to know that I see you. That I recognize and legitimately honor you for showing up. For trying. I know it takes guts to even get out the door let alone try something new in front of people in the hopes a finding a sense of belonging.
If you’re taking a class or in any sort of space where beginners are frequently, or just people searching for something, hopefully you’ll be surrounded by people practicing empathy.
But another part of being open is being honest, and specific.
I’m new here and I’d love to make a few friends, do you know anyone who loves seeing movies?
I’m looking for a friend to take a hip hop dance class with.
I’m a writer and I’d love to find a writers group, do you know of any?
I think even thinking the words can feel uncomfortable because:
We’re not used to getting clear about our needs.
We’re not sure we’re deserving of our desires
We generally don’t ask for what we need.
Getting ultra clear and specific takes a lot of inner work. Being open about your discoveries is a whole new can of worms. Now picture a can of worms.
Gross just kidding.
As you begin to communicate your needs, in ANY RELATIONSHIP lean on Lavender and Spearmint. Lavender being the oil of calm communication, and Spearmint the oil of confident speech. These oils will help you to loosen your tongue and express your needs. Create a roller and put these oils on your throat and the solar plexus. This is something I would do frequently as you navigate finding your voice.
4. Rinse and repeat.
The more you try, the more you learn, and the better you get.
I read something this morning about the thing people regret the most when they’re dying is that they didn’t live the life they wanted. It was someone else’s life, or what someone else expected. Just not what they’d wanted or hoped for themselves.
I want a full life. With love and friends and so much laughing and baked cakes and garden talks.
I want to help as many people as I can. I want to shine so much light through me and it just won’t happen if I don’t keep trying, or I never get out there. When it works, when it doesn’t work. When I feel like it, when I don’t. The years just keep passing. I either choose to keep picking myself up and trying, or let it pass.
When looking for your people, you’ve got to keep trying. I believe in things being on time, but I also believe that you’re more ready than you think to find what you’re looking for.
Hope is the perfect blend to use when you’re persevering. It’s a beautiful combination of Bergamot, Frankincense, Ylang Ylang and vanilla. It helps instill the promise that things are working for your good. This is a great blend to keep with you in especially challenging seasons of life, and best of all, 100% of the proceeds of this oil go to ending human trafficking and sex slavery.
You’re going to fail. You’re going to slip on the ice. Your skirt may or may not be tucked into you pants. You’re going to say the wrong thing. It’s fine. It’s all fine. You have to give yourself permission to get it wrong, apologize, learn, untuck your skirt and then to keep going and get closer to getting it right.
I think of all the stupid things I did while I was dating. The dumb moves I made, the embarrassing stuff I said or did, and I just have to laugh and give the girl I was grace. There is nothing wrong with trying to find what you’re looking for. You can’t beat yourself up for trying.
People want to love you. There are people who need you. They need your jokes. They need your baked goods or your ability to buy really good baked goods, and they need your shoulder. They need your wisdom. They need your failures and your hopes.
Rose! Rose! Rose! This high vibrating oil and is a heart healer. Use Rose for comfort by rolling to on your heart, your forearms and behind your ears. It will remind you that you are loved unconditionally. Magnolia is also a really good choice. It’s the oil of Compassion, which we need to give and receive on this bumpy road.
My best advice to you and myself again and again:
Be the friend you need today, and tomorrow, and on and on. Somebody needs you just as much as you need them.
The more you try, the more you learn, and the better you get. Get out there and find your people. Use your oils for special support in those challenging moments that are always the road to the good.
Do something today.
What are 2 ways that you can be the friend you need today, and which essential oil do you think would help you most?
Tell us in the comments!